If He Wanted To, He Would. Or Would He?

Why social media relationship advice is making dating and relationships more confusing than ever

If you've spent any time on social media recently, you've probably come across some version of the phrase: "If he wanted to, he would."

It's usually accompanied by a video of someone confidently explaining why somebody didn't text back, didn't plan the date, didn't buy the flowers, didn't communicate their feelings, or didn't show up in the way you wanted them to. The conclusion is often simple: if they cared enough, they would have done it.

And look, sometimes that's true.

Sometimes people genuinely aren't prioritising the relationship. Sometimes people are emotionally unavailable. Sometimes people repeatedly show us through their actions that they are unwilling or unable to meet our needs. We shouldn't ignore that.

But what concerns me about a lot of relationship advice online is not that it's entirely wrong. It's that it's often presented as a universal truth. A neat, digestible answer to something that is usually far more complicated.

The reality is that relationships are messy because people are messy.

When I sit with couples in therapy, I'm not just sitting with two people who forgot to communicate properly. I'm sitting with two completely different life experiences trying to share a life together.

I'm sitting with two different childhoods.

Two different family systems.

Two different cultures.

Two different understandings of love.

Two different nervous systems.

Two different communication styles.

Two different sets of wounds, fears, insecurities, hopes, expectations and beliefs about what relationships are supposed to look like.

Sometimes I'm sitting with a neurotypical person and an ADHD partner who genuinely experience the world differently. Sometimes I'm sitting with two people from completely different cultural backgrounds who were taught very different things about emotional expression, conflict, family obligations, gender roles, independence, intimacy and commitment. Sometimes I'm sitting with two people who deeply love each other but have spent years misunderstanding what the other person was actually trying to communicate.

None of that fits neatly into a 30-second Instagram reel.

One of the biggest challenges I see with social media relationship advice is that it encourages us to make meaning about behaviour without understanding context.

For example, let's go back to "If he wanted to, he would."

Let's say somebody forgets an important date. The internet might tell you that this means they don't care. But in the therapy room, I'd want to know more.

• Do they have ADHD?

• Were anniversaries celebrated in their family growing up?

• Have they been carrying significant stress or burnout?

• Do they struggle with planning and organisation?

• Did they genuinely forget or did they intentionally dismiss its importance?

• How do they respond when they realise they've hurt their partner?

• Do they take accountability?

• Do they try to repair?

Because those details matter.

Intent isn't everything. Impact matters too. But reducing every relational challenge to "they don't care enough" often prevents us from understanding what's actually happening.

The same thing happens with another popular phrase: "Love should be easy."

I understand where this comes from. Many people have experienced relationships that were chaotic, unhealthy, emotionally unsafe, or filled with constant conflict. In comparison, healthy relationships often do feel easier.

But easier doesn't mean effortless.

The healthiest couples I know still have disagreements. They still hurt each other's feelings sometimes. They still misunderstand each other. They still have moments where they're stressed, exhausted, reactive, defensive, or struggling to communicate.

The difference isn't that they never experience challenges.

The difference is that they're willing to repair.

They're willing to stay curious when it would be easier to make assumptions. They're willing to apologise. They're willing to have uncomfortable conversations. They're willing to look at their own contribution to the pattern instead of focusing entirely on their partner's.

Because relationships are not static. They require ongoing attention. Not because something is wrong, but because human beings continue growing and changing.

Another phrase I often see is: "The right person won't trigger you."

This one does a huge disservice to relationships. Because if you're in a long-term relationship, your partner will almost certainly trigger you at some point.

Not because they're toxic.

Not because they're your soulmate's evil twin.

But because close relationships bring us face-to-face with some of our deepest fears and vulnerabilities. They expose our fears of rejection, abandonment, failure, inadequacy, criticism, betrayal and loss.

A secure relationship isn't one where nobody ever gets triggered. It's one where both people are willing to understand what the trigger is trying to communicate.

Sometimes it's pointing to an unmet need.

Sometimes it's highlighting an old wound.

Sometimes it's asking for a boundary.

Sometimes it's showing us a story we've carried for years that may no longer be true.

The goal isn't to avoid discomfort entirely. The goal is to learn how to navigate discomfort without immediately deciding that the relationship itself is the problem.

What social media often forgets is that relationships don't happen in a vacuum. Culture, race, family expectations, gender socialisation, religion, neurodivergence and trauma matters.

The way conflict was handled or how affection was shown in your household matters.

The way love was modelled matters.

I've worked with couples where one person grew up in a family that openly discussed emotions while the other grew up in a family where emotions were avoided entirely. I've worked with couples where one person views independence as healthy while the other sees interdependence as an expression of love. I've worked with couples where one person's way of showing care is practical support while the other primarily experiences love through emotional connection and words of affirmation.

Neither person is necessarily wrong. They're simply speaking different relational languages.

And that's why so many simplistic relationship rules fall apart in real life.

Because people aren't formulas. They're complicated, contradictory, nuanced human beings.

Which is why when clients come to me asking whether they're dating the wrong person, whether their relationship is doomed, or whether they're asking for too much, my answer is rarely found in a quote.

It's usually found in understanding.

Understanding themselves, their partner, the pattern they keep getting caught in, what needs are underneath the conflict and which issues can be worked through and which ones genuinely reflect incompatibility.

Because healthy relationships aren't built through following relationship rules from strangers on the internet.

They're built through communication, curiosity, repair, accountability, vulnerability and two imperfect people learning how to navigate life together.

And that's a lot more complicated than "If he wanted to, he would."

But it's also a lot more human.

If this resonates and you’re feeling confused by dating, relationship patterns, communication challenges, or the same conflict cycle repeating in your relationship, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

I offer online counselling Australia-wide for individuals and couples navigating relationships, dating, ADHD, identity, family dynamics, cultural expectations, emotional overwhelm, and communication difficulties.

Therapy can help you slow things down, understand what’s really happening underneath the patterns, and make decisions from a place of clarity rather than fear, shame, or internet dating rules that don’t actually know your life.

If you’re ready for support, you can book a session with me through Umeed Psychology.