Let’s Talk About Neuronormativity

Anushka Phal | Psychologist

Why It Feels Like Everyone Else Got a Manual You Never Received

If you’ve ever sat in a meeting wondering why everyone is nodding at the same “obvious next step” while your brain is quietly having its own existential crisis… welcome. Pull up a chai. Today we’re talking about neuronormativity — the invisible social rulebook that shapes how we’re expected to think, feel, learn, and behave… usually without our consent.

Neuronormativity is basically that bossy aunty at the wedding who tells you:

• “Beta, sit properly.”

• “Don’t fidget.”

• “Why are you like this?”

• “Be normal.”

Except instead of one aunty, it’s the entire world.
And instead of a wedding, it’s every institution you’ve ever walked into.

So what is neuronormativity?

Neuronormativity is the cultural assumption that there is one correct, proper, valid way to have a brain — and that everyone should operate in that way.

It’s the unspoken expectation that a “good brain” should be:

• calm

• linear

• consistent

• focused

• predictable

• sensory-tolerant

• motivated on command

• socially symmetrical

• emotionally “appropriate”

…in other words:
the kind of brain that very few people actually have.

Neuronormativity is the default operating system of workplaces, classrooms, healthcare, bureaucracy, and even family dynamics. It's what creates words like “lazy,” “difficult,” “disruptive,” “attention-seeking,” “dramatic,” “too sensitive,” and the South Asian classic:
“Why can’t you just…?”
(If you’re South Asian, you can hear that sentence in 4K Dolby Surround Sound in your head.)

Where did neuronormativity come from?

Short version:
It was invented. It is not real. But it has very real consequences.

Longer version:
Neuronormativity emerged from:

• colonial schooling systems that prioritised obedience over curiosity

• industrial-era productivity models where humans had to function like machines

• Eurocentric psychology that measured worth by how well you conformed

• capitalism, which prefers workers who never need breaks, naps, movement, or a sensory-friendly room to cry in

None of this was designed with neurodivergent minds in mind.
Honestly? It wasn’t even designed with neurotypical people in mind.
It was designed for efficiency, not humanity.

Which is why so many of us grow up feeling “wrong” without ever realising the system was wrong first.

How neuronormativity gaslights us

The most dangerous thing about neuronormativity is that it’s silent. No one says:

“Hi, welcome to school! Please suppress your sensory needs, emotional cycles, intuitive bursts, nonlinear thoughts, and unique processing style so you can function like everyone else.”

But you learn it anyway.
Through comments, punishments, eyebrow raises, performance reviews, report cards, “constructive feedback,” and well-meaning but wildly off advice like:

“Just try harder.”
“Be more organised.”
“You need more discipline.”
“Stop overreacting.”
“Don’t take things so personally.”
“Everyone feels that way sometimes.”
“Have you tried writing a list?”

Neuronormativity trains you into masking:
acting, performing, bending yourself into shapes that were never yours to begin with.

For many neurodivergent people — ADHDers, autistic folks, dyslexics, sensory-sensitive humans, and anyone living outside the “standard brain” — the cost of this masking is enormous:

• chronic burnout

• shame

• anxiety

• depression

• identity confusion

• exhaustion

• internalised “I’m not good enough”

It’s the secret emotional tax we pay just to exist in systems that weren’t built for us.

Neuronormativity is also cultural

If you grew up in a collectivist, South Asian, Pasifika, or migrant household, there’s a whole extra layer of neuronormativity baked into family expectations:

• “Don’t question elders.”

• “Keep your emotions inside the house.”

• “Don’t show weakness.”

• “Everyone goes through this, stop making it a big deal.”

• “Do as you’re told.”

• “Finish your plate, finish your degree, finish your PhD.” (I’m just saying… it escalates.)

Add neurodivergence to this?
It becomes a perfect storm of:
“I don’t fit in the world or my culture. Where do I put my brain?”

Spoiler: you put it exactly where it already is. Inside your gorgeous, chaotic, brilliant, deeply feeling self. We’re just learning to give it permission to exist.

How neuronormativity shows up in everyday life

Let’s break down the sneaky ways neuronormativity appears:

1. In Workplaces

• expecting everyone to concentrate for 8 hours straight

• punishing lateness but ignoring burnout

• valuing verbal participation over quiet contribution

• acting like fluorescent lights are not a hate crime

• assuming “professionalism” = emotional neutrality

2. In Schools

• prioritising neat handwriting over ideas

• expecting stillness to equal learning

• rewarding the kids who mask best

• calling sensory needs “bad behaviour”

• designing classrooms like prisons for the senses

3. In Friendships

• “Why do you take so long to reply?”

• “You always cancel plans.”

• “You’re so sensitive.”

• “Why do you overthink everything?”

Sometimes your friendships rely on you being the “easy” one, the “predictable” one, the “emotionally stable” one — even if that’s not your truth.

4. In Healthcare

• doctors dismissing sensory pain

• therapists assuming eye contact = honesty

• diagnostic criteria based on white boys from 40 years ago

• the “you don’t look autistic / ADHD” comments

If my brain had a dollar for every time a psychologist said that to a South Asian woman, it would be fully funded by now.

5. In Relationships

Neuronormativity tells you:

• you must communicate “normally”

• don’t get overwhelmed

• don’t forget important dates

• don’t hyperfocus on random hobbies

• don’t shut down

• don’t stim

• don’t be “too much”

Which leads so many neurodivergent people to shrink themselves in relationships — or date people who are attracted to their masking, not their authentic self.

But here’s the truth:

Neuronormativity is not the standard. It’s just the loudest.**

Human brains have always been diverse. Neurodivergent ways of thinking — intuitive leaps, sensory sensitivity, pattern recognition, creativity, hyperfocus, deep empathy, unconventional problem-solving — have existed since forever.

Neuronormativity simply labeled them “wrong.”

What if the problem was never your brain — but the measuring tool?

Let’s rethink what a “valid brain” looks like

Imagine if we measured brains by:

• depth of feeling

• curiosity

• creativity

• ability to make meaning

• emotional intelligence

• resilience

• adaptability

• perspective-shifting

• sensory wisdom

• humour, imagination, introspection, storytelling

Imagine if the world saw brains as ecosystems, not factories.

Imagine if we stopped stratifying brains into “normal” and “not normal” — and instead started asking:

“What does your brain need to thrive?”

Because that’s the real question.
Not “how do we fix you?”
But
“how do we make space for your brain in this world?”

What breaks neuronormativity?

Community.**

Neuronormativity survives in silence, shame, and secrecy.
It crumbles in:

• group chats where everyone admits their brains are melting

• ADHD podcasts (hi Girls That ADHD)

• therapy spaces that say, “You’re not broken, you’re human”

• third spaces like Umeed Psychology where people can unmask, stretch, breathe

• brown-coded circles where someone finally says,
  “Wait… you feel that too?”

Because belonging is the antidote to normalisation.

How we can all fight neuronormativity (gently, slowly, with snacks)

1. De-program the shame

Every time you catch yourself saying “I should be able to…”
Pause.
Whose rule is that?
Is it yours — or neuronormativity’s?

2. Build environments around your brain

Not the other way around.
Timers, body-doubling, sensory aids, whiteboards, movement breaks — these are not weaknesses. They are adaptations.

3. Use language that liberates

“Lazy” becomes “overwhelmed.”
“Disorganized” becomes “executive functioning differences.”
“Too sensitive” becomes “deeply attuned.”
“Too much” becomes “intense in the best way.”

4. Advocate for your needs

At work, in relationships, in families.
Your needs are not inconveniences — they’re information.

5. Celebrate the brain you actually have

Your nonlinear, passionate, chaotic, sensitive, funny, intuitive brain is not defective.
It’s just divergent.
And divergent is powerful.

Final Thoughts: You’re not broken. You’re just not neuronormative — and that’s a gift.

Neuronormativity tries to compress us into a single shape.
Neurodivergence reminds us the world is more interesting when we don’t all think the same.

Your brain is not a problem to solve.
It’s a story to understand.
A landscape to explore.
A language to honour.

And the more we talk about this — loudly, proudly, chai-spillingly — the more we make room for every brain to breathe.